Have you ever been so angry at someone that it completely consumes you? You could think about it for hours, days, or even weeks. You dream about it, and everything that person does or says—even what others say about them—triggers you. It can control you to the point that you can’t focus on anything else. That’s exactly how I feel right now, and I really want to let it go.
During my search for ways to get rid of my anger, I first discovered that I’m not really angry in the truest sense. When I trace back to the root of my anger, I realize that I’m actually hurt. I feel hurt, and I have this sense that the people who hurt me are just getting away with it. This only makes me angrier. Why are people allowed to do such mean things without facing any consequences? What frustrates me even more is that they just move on with their lives, while I’m left behind, dealing with shit I never asked for. All of this together feels incredibly unfair, and, as you can guess, that only makes me even angrier.
But how do I actually let this go? In the end, it seems like forgiving the people I’m angry at is the answer. When I read about this, a few thoughts came to mind. First: WTF?! They don’t deserve it. Second: how can I forgive them when I don’t at all approve of what happened? And third: if I do have to forgive, how do I do that? However, forgiveness isn’t really for the other person—it’s for yourself. It allows you to move on. You choose to let go of your angry and bitter thoughts and to prioritize your own happiness. The other person often doesn’t even know if you stay angry or if you forgive them. The only one who really feels the impact is you.
During my search, I found several methods and tried them all. I’ll share these methods with you, along with my experiences.
Welcome to ‘Forgiveness with Roos.’
Method 1: Write a letter in which you forgive the person
The first exercise I tried was writing a letter. I was already familiar with this exercise and had done it once a few years ago. At that time, it worked really well for me, and I looked at the situation very differently after writing the letter. This time, it was different…
The exercise goes as follows:
- Write a letter in which you forgive the person.
The letter should include a few points:
- Explain why you’re writing this letter.
- Describe what behaviors, events, or characteristics are bothering you.
- End the letter with, “I forgive you for this” or “I accept you as you are.” Be specific in your descriptions and make it as detailed as you want. Conclude the letter in a positive and loving way. I can hear you thinking, “how, though?”, but trust me, it will actually start to feel better.
- Imagine yourself forgiving the other person.
Now, read the letter out loud. You don’t actually have to do this in real life, but you’re going to visualize it. Try to imagine where you are, what the other person is wearing, and how you feel. Take a few deep breaths and start reading. Feel yourself forgiving and accepting the other person. Try to feel love for them. It took me a few tries, but I eventually felt the relief.
Although this brought me some relief, I still noticed that the anger hadn’t entirely disappeared, and I didn’t feel like I had been able to fully forgive the person with conviction. It’s also challenging because I still see this person weekly in our friend group. This wasn’t the case with the person from a few years ago; I practically never saw them again afterward, and we had no mutual friends or connections.
So my search continues, and I’ll keep you posted.
20's anger broken friendship feeling lost forgiveness happiness hurt journal lifestyle personal development psychology self-discovery selfhelp self improvement trust yourself writing exercise